


what'd you say? (you leave my heart racing)

by keishn



Series: (un)requited [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Azumane Asahi-centric, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Secret Crush, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 08:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13430943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keishn/pseuds/keishn
Summary: It's okay, he tells himself. It's just a crush.A love letter to friendships and things left unsaid.





	what'd you say? (you leave my heart racing)

If Asahi makes a list all of the things he's afraid of, he is reminded that it is a non-converging series, a never-ending sequence, a limit that goes to infinity. A lot of fears that were normal when he was younger only seemed to get worse as started to grow into himself. He's afraid of spiders, of cockroaches, of bed bugs, of hornets. He's afraid of heights, of roller-coasters, of closed spaces.He still refuses to watch horror movies. He still becomes skittish during thunderstorms. He still avoids making eye contact with the strangers he passes on the sidewalk.

But Asahi has never been afraid on the court. So it makes sense that he joins the volleyball club when he arrives at Karasuno.Daichi and Suga are kind to him from the beginning, including him in their whispered conversations during practice and inviting him to eat lunch with them during the school day. 

As they sit around Daichi's desk with their bento, Asahi tries miserably to not let his ridiculous legs take up too much room. As much as being tall is a blessing on the court, it's a curse in pretty much every other aspect of his life.

"You okay, today, Asahi?" Suga asks him. "I noticed those second years were giving you a hard time after practice yesterday."

"Oh — uh, yeah." 

He's _fine_.Sure, he felt like suffocating when the second year — whose place Asahi may end up taking as a starter for the team — approached him with narrowed eyes and biting words. Sure, he doesn't really want to deal with them at practice again this afternoon. But he's _fine_.

His thoughts are cut short of wandering because Daichi calmly sets his chopsticks down in a way that is far too deliberate to not catch Asahi's attention.

"You should stop acting like such a wimp," Daichi says. "If you just told them to get lost I doubt they'd keep bothering you."

Asahi is not _acting like_ a wimp, he _is_ a wimp.Daichi cannot empathize with that because Daichi is everything that Asahi is not— Daichi is everything he wants to be. He's known since the moment they introduced themselves to the volleyball club — Asahi with knees shaking and heart pounding and face flushing, and Daichi with his shoulders back and head high and voice steady — that Sawamura Daichi belonged on the list of things which terrified Asahi.

Now, he elects to avert his eyes from Daichi's gaze and push his rice around with his chopsticks.

"I don't know," Asahi says, and he can feel the warmth in his chest start to creep up his neck, reaching towards his cheeks."I mean, doesn't he have a right to be angry? I'm just a first year, after all, and—"

" _And_ you're the better wing spiker," Daichi finishes for him. "So you should be starting."

Asahi has nothing to say to that. Or at least, nothing that Daichi won't give him shit for.

Luckily he doesn't have to say anything because Suga smiles up at him, warm and genuine, and says, "Don't be too hard on yourself, Asahi. Once he sees how much better we're doing in games with you starting, he'll get over it."

The topic changes after that and Daichi ends up saying something about how their teacher didn't explain factors of third order functions very well. Suga says, _Aren't you in advanced math, Asahi?_  He nods and offers to help Daichi make sense of his teacher's notes after practice.

"We can study at my place," Daichi says. 

Asahi tries to ignore the fluttering of his heart.

*

During practice that afternoon, Asahi is hyperaware of a certain second-year's eyes on him each time he manages to land a spike on the other side of the net.Suga is setting for him and the third year libero is across the net, trying with about a fifty-percent success rate to receive his spikes.After a spike that hits the ground with such force that half of the gym goes quiet, he finds himself glancing over at the second year who looks like he wants to set Asahi on fire telekinetically.

He startles when someone places a hand on his shoulder, but when his eyes find Suga offering him a reassuring smile, he feels a little better.

Despite his (grounded) fear, the second year does not bother him by the lockers after practice.

On their walk to Daichi's house, his friend says, "I hope you don't mind, but I talked to that second year."

"You— you _what?_ Why— why would— are you— do you want me to get me killed?"

Daichi lets out a _tsk_ and tells him he's being overdramatic.  "Besides," Daichi says, "he didn't bother you today did he?"

For a moment, Asahi wonders whether Daichi is really expecting a response from him. Then he notices the easy smile on Daichi's face and his heart leaps. He's sure his face is as red as the blood in his veins. He pushes the feeling down, but it keeps attempting to bloom out of his mouth for the rest of the afternoon.

They hunch over Daichi's math notebook. It shouldn't be a problem, but they're so close that Asahi can hear Daichi's breathing, can see the rise and fall of his chest, can hear the scratch of his pencil against his notebook.  Asahi tries to remember what numbers and letters are because he's supposed to be explaining something about them to one of his best friends.

"So," he says, "the thing with factoring is—" He pauses and puts his thumb and index and middle finger lightly at the eraser end of Daichi's pencil. "Do you mind if—"

"Please," Daichi says, grip on the pencil loosening. "It's all yours."

Daichi gives Asahi a lazy grin and Asahi's heart jumps into his throat. For a moment, Asahi thinks he might vomit right there. He doesn't.He does, however, forget what he's supposed to be doing until Daichi's eyes slide back to his notebook and he clears his throat.

Asahi feels the warmth of the blush that must take over his entire face without his permission because he was _staring_ and Daichi _noticed._ Daichi doesn't say anything about it, though. After a moment, he manages to write down the equation, trying to stop his hands from shaking too much as the graphite hits paper. He solves the first of the problems on Daichi's homework set for him, explaining the process step-by-step.

For over a week the Algebra Incident remains unmentioned, and Asahi finds himself relaxing once again.It's easier at school because he's hardly ever alone with Daichi. There's always three: Asahi, Daichi, Suga.Asahi likes it that way.

 _It's okay_ , he tells himself. It's just a crush. It's not like he's never had a crush before. 

*

There are still moments when Daichi makes Asahi blush too wildly, but it gets easier to maintain. It helps that he's generally a blushing mess anyway— keps suspicion off him. The last thing he needs is for one of his only friends at Karasuno to realize that he has a big fat crush on him. Asahi feels stupid for developing feelings in the first place. He should have never let it get this far because now he doesn't know how to stop.

He still can't help the way that he tilts his head down and away, trying to make himself small when Daichi chastises him for being too hard on himself.He can't control the rush of adrenaline in his veins when Daichi cheers for him at practice when he spikes a ball that their teammate fails to receive.He can't stop the blood rushing to his cheeks when Daichi gives him soft smiles, grasps his shoulder, and tells him what a good job he's done.

But he can pretend.He can pretend that Daichi isn't both terrifying and enrapturing.He can pretend that it's simply platonic admiration. Who wouldn't admire Daichi's calm and collected behavior? Who wouldn't admire his absolute confidence in himself and his teammates and his friends (and in _Asahi_ , of all people.)

Asahi tries to think back to when his feelings crossed the line. When admiring Daichi's traits became admiring Daichi.He doesn't remember what his tipping point was. He doesn't remember crossing any kind of threshold.He saves face as much as he can when he's around Daichi and Suga. He makes sure to minimize any alone time with Daichi because he doesn't want to exacerbate the problem. But despite all of that, his heart continues to twist and clench and ache.

Suga notices.

"Are you okay?" 

They're sitting together in the clubroom before morning practice. Somehow it's just the two of them. It isn't particularly early — well, it is early for Asahi who generally likes to get as much sleep as his overanxious body will allow — and Asahi absently wonders if practice was canceled without his knowledge, making him miss Suga's question.

Suga starts again, voice gentle. "Asahi," he says, "what's bothering you?"

"Oh?" Asahi startles at the question, feeling put on the spot. "It's ah— it's nothing."

"Hm," Suga says, "okay."He pauses and then offers Asahi a grin that helps to loosen the twisting in his chest. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here okay? I know— I know we've known each other for only a few months now, but—" Suga is the one who looks almost flustered now and Asahi's eyebrows raise slightly as he watches the silver-haired setter. "But I think of you as one of my best friends. Okay?"

Asahi rubs at the back of his neck, awkwardly. "I— thanks, Suga." He pauses then says, "You too. I mean, you're one of my best friends too."

Suga smiles at that, teeth showing, eyes crinkling, hair falling lightly around his face as he lets out a light breath that's almost a laugh. Asahi grins back, looking awkwardly at the floor between them, heat tinging his cheeks.

It's true, Suga is one of his best friends. Still, as much as he wishes he could confide in Suga he knows it's better to keep this secret locked within himself.Besides, Suga is _Suga._ He already knows that if he tells Suga about his crush on Daichi that he'll receive pained looks and comforting smiles whenever Daichi says something that inevitably flusters him. The last thing Asahi wants is for Suga to pity him.And, really, the last thing Asahi needs is to be reminded of his own feelings.

*

When Daichi and Asahi find out that their birthdays are only one day apart, Suga insists they all get together.Asahi's pleasantly surprised when Shimizu and even a few of their upperclassmen show up to Suga's haphazardly planned joint birthday party for the two of them. Their former captain, Tashiro, even offers Asahi an enthusiastic ' _Happy birthday, Azumane-san!'_ followed by a more toned down version of the same from the second-year captain Kurokawa.

Tashiro leaves to speak to Daichi. Asahi, awkward when left to his own devices, flounders before his eyes land on Suga talking to one of the second years— one of the ones that he had trouble with all those months ago.   He swallows thickly before approaching them and Suga gives one of his encouraging smiles until he makes eye-contact with the second-year. The other male speaks before Asahi can form the words in his mind.

"Ah, Azumane-san. Um, happy birthday." He scratches awkwardly at the back of his neck as he speaks, and even averts his eyes before letting out a breath and saying, "I'm sorry, by the way, for—" He gestures with his hands in a way that Asahi assumes is supposed to mean _everything_ , but Asahi doesn't finish the sentence for him. 

"Oh," he says, "it's all right."

He doesn't really mean the words, but he's too polite to say anything else.Instead, he keeps watching, thinking that maybe if he has the guts to at least look him in the eye maybe it will be all right. 

"You have some great friends."

Asahi grins at Suga then scratches the back of his neck before his eyes find Daichi across the room. 

"Yeah," he says, "I do."

*

They lose. No one is surprised, really, but that doesn't make the disappointment taste any less bitter in their mouths after the tournament.Asahi worries his bottom lip between his teeth as he pulls his shirt over his head and wonders if maybe he shouldn't have been starting after all.

"Don't."

Asahi glances over his shoulder.Daichi is behind him, arms crossed over his chest, watching him with careful eyes. He doesn't know what to do under that gaze. He's sure he should say something but the words are stolen from his throat.Daichi takes a few steps closer, places a hand on his shoulder. His heart threatens to burst, his stomach backflips.

"It's not your fault, you know. In fact, I don't think Karasuno would have gotten this far without you."

Daichi pauses and licks his lips. Asahi wants to kiss him, wants to be kissed by him.

"Are you okay?" Daichi asks, eyes narrowing slightly.

Asahi can feel heat spreading across his cheeks. He only nods, even though he wants to say _I like you, I like you so much,_ and the only thing holding him back is the words dying on his dried tongue.Daichi doesn't seem to notice because his eyes squint as he grins, clapping Asahi on the back once more before letting his hand drop.

"Come on," he says, turning to head towards the door. "Let's go eat with everyone."

"Daichi," Asahi says, then squeezes his eyes shut for a second before opening them again.

The other wing spiker turns, eyebrows raised. Asahi could do it. He could say it right now. Probably, Daichi will rub awkwardly at the back of his neck and chuckle lightly. Probably, his cheeks will turn pink.Maybe he'll even say it back.

"I—" Or maybe he'll be disgusted and never talk to Asahi again. He'll lose one of his only two friends at Karasuno and then Suga will take Daichi's side and he'll have to transfer schools to join a different volleyball team."I think you played really well, today."

Daichi grins and says, "We all did."

He tries not to get too angry at himself. Perhaps he is a wimp and a coward, but that's for the best. As he follows Daichi out of the club room he tries to not cloak himself in too much self-pity because he knows that Suga will notice.

This is what's best for their friendship, he tells himself as they walk to meet the rest of the team at the ramen shop. This is what's best for their friendship, he tells himself as he sits next to Daichi. This is what's best for their friends, he tells himself and tries not to think about how nice Daichi's laugh sounds, how pretty his eyes are when he smiles, how handsome he is engulfed in his resolve to win next year.

*

When April comes, Asahi is starting to believe he could really get over his crush. It's a time for new beginnings, including the start of their second year and second year is promising.They're sitting at Suga's desk for lunch on the first day that classes start back up. Asahi's feet curl around the legs of his own chair so he doesn't accidentally bump Daichi or Suga's knees.

"We're no longer at the bottom of the food chain," Suga comments.

"Oh, right," Asahi says.

"I guess we'll be meeting the new first years at afternoon practice," Daichi says.

"Do you think there will be anyone good?" Asahi asks.

Suga shrugs.

"Of course they'll be good," Daichi says, "this is the team we're going to nationals with."

Asahi considers that as he eats his bento.The three volleyball players start to talk about their second-year classes and things go well until Suga leans over to whisper something in Daichi's ear making his cheeks turn slightly pink.Asahi is left looking between the two of them.It lasts for only a moment, but it's a moment that leaves his chest burning and his stomach dropping.

"You okay, Asahi?" Suga asks when his eyes find Asahi once more.

He only nods turning his eyes to his bento.

*

In May, he's paired with their new first-year libero to help the kid practice receives.His eyes keep drifting to Daichi and Suga.Daichi-and-Suga like they're a pair now. Daichi-and-Suga like their friendship is something he's no longer welcome to.

He doesn't like feeling like he's being left out of something.And he hates himself for the jealousy that rises in his chest whenever he notices Daichi smiling at Suga.He makes a _tch_ sound at himself with his tongue for being so stupid right as something smacks into his face, sending him falling backward.

"Oh no! Asahi-san!"

Asahi lifts himself up on his elbows and sees the short first-year already at his side.

"Sorry about that, Asahi-san. Are you all right?"

Asahi glances around the gymnasium and finds that Suga and Daichi are watching him, as is everyone else in the room.He feels like a bug under a magnifying glass about to catch fire.

"Someone should walk with him to the nurse," Shimizu says, "he got hit in the head pretty hard."

"I can go with—"

"No, it's okay, Nishinoya-san," Asahi says, standing up. "I think I can get there myself."

The last thing he needs is someone walking with him to the nurse's office while he's wallowing in embarrassment.He manages to make it halfway out of the gym without anyone trying to follow him when Daichi and Suga jog up behind him.

"Don't worry!" Daichi calls to — Shimizu? Nishinoya? Kurokawa? — someone "We'll make sure he gets there all right."Daichi turns to him, eyebrows raised slightly, amusement bright in his eyes."How'd you manage to get yourself hit in the head?"

"Daichi, don't just _assume_ it's Asahi's fault," Suga chastises, "even though it probably was…"

"You guys are horrible friends," Asahi says but his lips curl upward.

It feels good to be teased by and tease his best friends. Briefly, he thinks every worry he's had about becoming the third wheel in their friendship was baseless, unfounded.It's possible his own paranoia was driving him to push his friends away.He finds himself relaxing, even as he's terrified of being called out for being the real horrible friend.

"You're really okay, though?"Daichi asks him, and the question feels like more than the words it carries.

Asahi feels his heart expand enough to suffocate his lungs. He nods and looks away.He wonders how awful of a friend he really is for having such a full-blown crush on Daichi. It's beginning to feel like a deadly poison between them.

*

The bus ride to inter-high is awkward. Daichi and Suga sit next to each other. Daichi-and-Suga. Daichi-and-Suga— and Asahi is back to feeling like he's been uninvited from a birthday party in elementary school.He figures he knows why. It's because he's the wimp. Of course, Suga and Daichi would end up each other's best friends and he would end up alone.

The fact that his crush on Daichi hasn't exactly disappeared doesn't make it any easier.

Asahi sits in the window seat of the school bus, across from Suga and Daichi. Suga-and-Daichi. He tries to pay attention to their conversation but he can't. He's so tired of pretending to be okay, of pretending to not feel left out, of pretending that he's over his stupid crush.He sighs and looks out the window, unnoticed by the other two second years.

Kurokawa is in the row behind him, talking to a first year about what inter-high will be like.He doesn't sound very confident in Karasuno and Asahi isn't entirely sure that he is either.

"Asahi-san!" 

Asahi is startled by his name suddenly being called out on the bus. He glances up, eyes meeting their first-year libero's.

"Oh. Hi, Nishinoya-san."

"Is anyone sitting next to you?" Nishinoya asks him.

Asahi shakes his head.

Nishinoya shifts his weight. "Can I sit with you?"

Asahi glances at the empty spot next to him, then back up at the first year.He nods even though part of him wants to ask _Why_? when he's sure the libero would much prefer the company of Tanaka or one of the other first years or anyone else.

When the bus is on the road, Asahi glances around Nishinoya at Suga and Daichi. Suga-and-Daichi who are talking amongst themselves and he hates that his absence means nothing to them. He hates feeling like a jealous child.Suga says something that makes Daichi laugh. Daichi glances over and when their eyes meet he has to look away.

It's not the first time he's been caught staring, but he can still feel his cheeks heat up and he's glad that he isn't in direct eyesight of the other second years.It's a miracle, Asahi thinks, that Daichi hasn't figured him out. He's glad for that much at least. _But maybe he has_ , a part of Asahi says, _maybe he has and he's too polite to say anything_.

"Asahi-san? Do you get motion sick?"

Asahi blinks pulled out of his thoughts by Nishinoya's words. "Oh, uh—" 

Nishinoya is speaking once more before Asahi can get the words out."If you think you're going to throw up, maybe you should take the aisle seat."

"I'm not going to throw up," Asahi mumbles, eyes moving to look out the window.

"If you say so." 

*

They win the first game and hitting the winning spike is everything Asahi could have ever wanted and more.Even Kurokawa claps him on the back to congratulate him.He tries not to feel too breathless when Daichi pulls him into a hug. Even when Suga joins them, tears in his eyes, all he can feel is the burn of Daichi's hands on him. He feels his cheeks go red and he pulls away from his friends.

Neither of them notices his discomfort, too caught up in the high of the win, and Asahi nearly misses it— the small kiss that Suga presses to Daichi's cheek. He wishes he did miss it. Instead, he feels the world crumble around him.

*

They lose.They make it further than Kurokawa expected them to— granted that Kurokawa expected them to be eliminated immediately— but they still lose.

Asahi knows it really is his fault this time. All he can think of is the split second after their first win that confirmed his worst fears all at once. Perhaps he really isn't Daichi and Suga's friend after all. Daichi-and-Suga. Daichi-and-Suga. Maybe they just took pity on him. How is he supposed to face them at lunch during school?

(He already knows he won't. He'll make up some excuse about having to meet with the guidance counselor for something and just never go to lunch again. Eventually, they'll stop asking and he'll only see them during volleyball and he'll forever be reminded of the friendship that once was, of the unrequited crush he couldn't get over.)

Those thoughts plagued him during the game, too. He tried to channel his self-hatred into spiking the ball harder than ever but it wasn't enough.

Asahi takes longer than he needs to in the showers, just so he won't have to face anyone.

As he finishes getting dressed, Asahi tries to bite back his tears. He fails and ends up chewing on his lip and wiping at his eyes with the heels of his palms.He sniffles as his nose runs.His forehead hurts.  He wants to go home. He wants to go home.

He thinks that everyone's left without him until the locker room door opens and shuts, and someone calls out, "Asahi-san?"

Asahi feels his heart squeeze at the thought of one of his teammate's seeing him like this. His first instinct is to flee. He slams the locker door shut and gulps, trying by sheer force of will to make the tears stop flowing from the corners of his eyes. 

"Oh! There you—"

Asahi whirls around, hair falling into his face. He tries to discreetly wipe the tears still flowing when he pushes strands behind his ear.

"Asahi-san?" 

Noya's eyes are narrowed at the wing spiker. Asahi's breath catches in his throat, choking him. He's not sure what to do besides make himself smaller. He's constantly trying to make himself smaller.  He's constantly trying to make himself smaller.

"Are you okay?"Nishinoya asks and Asahi has to resist the urge to sniff, to give himself away.

"Yeah," he says, even as he thinks _No. No, no, no._ "I'm fine."

"Are you sad because we lost?" Nishinoya asks, head tilting slightly to the side, eyebrows drawing together.

Asahi nods, eyes squeezing shut until he can feel it in his the skin tighten around cheeks and his brow. He doesn't trust his voice to come out evenly. He doesn't trust himself to not say too much.

He feels arms around him, a smaller body pressing into him. His eyes open in surprise and he looks down and gets a nose full of Noya's spiked hair.He worries as Noya steps away from him that he's gotten snot in it. The thought is slightly mortifying. He almost laughs when he realizes that embarrassing himself is all it takes to get his mind off his own heartbreak, if only momentarily.

"Come on." Nishinoya grins widely, teeth showing. He grabs at Asahi's wrist, starts pulling him towards the door of the locker room, taking very emphasized and deliberate steps. "We don't want them to start eating without us."

**Author's Note:**

> title is inspired by the song fickle gods by the kite string tangle (i say inspired bc this is definitely what i hear even if when i googled the lyrics the internet told me i was wrong)
> 
> i've had this sitting like a quarter finished on my laptop for a while and finally got the motivation to finish it this past week. i'm hoping that i managed to capture all the emotions i wanted to.


End file.
